COMPUTER JOKES

Microsoft Bashing

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Just a note - I have every respect for Bill Gates and Microsoft. I use their products daily. I just found these to be amusing!

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine" said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment,

"this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, and the beautiful women playing in the water????"

"That was the demo," replied God.

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Microsoft Restaurant


 If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped 
             (Microsoft) software:


 Patron: Waiter!

 Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter.
     What seems to be the problem?

 Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

 Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

 Patron: No, it's still there.

 Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating 
     it with a fork instead.

 Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

 Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind 
     of bowl are  you using?

 Patron: A SOUP bowl!

 Waiter: Hmmm, that should work.  Maybe it's a configuration
      problem; how was the bowl set up?

 Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do 
      with the fly in my soup?!

 Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed 
     the fly in your soup?

 Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

 Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of 
     the Day?

 Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

 Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

 Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

 Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

 Patron: Fine.  Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.  
     I'm running late now.

 Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the 
     check.

 Waiter: Here you are, Sir.  The soup and your check.

 Patron: This is potato soup.

 Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

 Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

 Waiter leaves.

 Patron: Waiter!  There's a gnat in my soup!


 The check:
 Soup of the Day . ........... . . .   $5.00
 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $2.50
 Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $1.00

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A Real Groaner

There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a 
   chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and three 
   engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics 
   of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have 
   occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests 
   that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked 
   somewhere.

Then the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, 
   come up with a suggestion.  "Why don't we close all the 
   windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and 
   maybe it will work!?"

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GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS

God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he yanked up to Heaven three
influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.

"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each
have 24 hours to prepare your followers for the end of the world."

With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good new and bad
news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a God.
The bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world tomorrow."

In Russia, Yeltsin announced to the parliament, "Comrades, I have bad
news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a
God after all. The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the world tomorrow."

Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have
good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one
of the three most influential men on earth," he beamed. "The better
news is we don't have to fix Windows 95."

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The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand.
In the elevator are: Saddam Hussein, Timothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates,
but there are only two bullets in the gun!

Who does he shoot???

Gates -- twice to be sure.

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Microsoft Brains?

The marketing people at Microsoft and their ad agency have really done it this time.

The choral background music for the recent IE TV ads is the Confutatis Maledictis from Mozart's Requiem (Mass for the dead). The words of the final blast of music that accompanies "Where do you want to go today?" are "confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis..." which means "the damned and accused are convicted to flames of hell."

Presumably this answers that question once and for all.

sound button to hear Does Not Compute

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Greeting Card You won't find at Hallmark:

Your computer is dead... it was so alive...
.....you shouldn't have installed... Win'95.

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Using MS Love (TM) you'd have to have:
A 16 foot by 16 foot bed (equivalent of 1 Mbyte HD)
8 pillows (equivalent of 32 Mbyte RAM)
The light switch would have to be in a specific position (warranty invalidated if inadvertantly left in the wrong position) and talking of positions........
...and we all know when the "General Protection Fault" crash would occur don't we ??

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Bill Gates reportedly overheard talking to his CFO:

"You spent 150 million dollars on what?
You idiot! I said, 'Buy Snapple!'"

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Q. What do you get when you cross Microsoft and Apple?

A. Microsoft

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The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates's Diary

11. Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.
10. Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet.
9. The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.
8. Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!
7. Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.
6. Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.
5. Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
4. Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
3. Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.
2. Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.

and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates's Diary...

1. Seventh day: rested.

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One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

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Top 10 Signs the New Mir Computer is Running Windows 95

by mike popovic

  1. The computer keeps asking you to "Insert Setup Disk #3 to continue"
  2. There is no space left on the hard drive to store mission data.
  3. The computer refuses to interact with the Mir's "Mr. Java" coffee maker.
  4. Millions of dollars are traced to phone calls to a Redmond, WA 900#.
  5. Mir astronauts are caught stealing RAM from other satellite's computers to keep their system running.
  6. The Space Shuttle can no longer dock with Mir since "the proper driver cannot be found"
  7. The system locks up whenever the astronauts try to run life support, the solar panels and thrusters at the same time.
  8. The astronauts spend three days looking for cyrillic version of the CTRL-ALT-DEL keys.
  9. Alien ships secretly observing Mir flee in terror.

    And the number one sign the new Mir computer is running Windows 95....

  10. You start receiving welcoming e-mail from the Borg

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If a swamp frog goes ribb-it....ribb-it....ribb-it;

and a Busch frog goes bud....wis....er;

What does a Windows 95 frog sound like?

Re-boot.....Re-boot.....re-boot

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At COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently, General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but what good would the car be if it crashed twice a day?"

Basically the same joke, but more to it:

Microsoft & General Motors

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure Microsoft accomplishments against General Motors. His comparison went like this:

If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles/hour. (160,000km/he) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to the gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker of the new car would be less than $50.00.

In response to all this goading, GM responded: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes 4 times a day?" If Microsoft built Cars:

  1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this and drive on.
  3. Occasionally, your car would stop and fail to restart, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
  4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or a CarNT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, twice as easy to drive--but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
  6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
  7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
  8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
  10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
photograph of Microsoft World Domination CD

Bill's New House

Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house the following is a
conversation heard last week.

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

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Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 29, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made
by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it
will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America
for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth, said Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone.

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White
House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press
that changes will be "minimal.  The United States will be managed as a
wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned
for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest, according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and
enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft,
and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting
directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of
executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a
relief.  He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record, and
that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and
confidence.  Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the
$200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as
"silly, though did say that he would make executive decisions for the
U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates
went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished.
"Microsoft isn't a democracy" he observed, "and look how well we're doing.

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding,
Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place. Microsoft
representatives closed the conference by stating that United States
citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government
services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company
offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and
personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more
enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal
computing and free society every day.

About the United States

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful
nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy
and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C.,
the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

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MS GOD

REDMOND, Wash. - 1 January 1998

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft God," and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998, well before the millennium.

"Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with." The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including: Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.

Microsoft God for the World Wide Web:

This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Informtion Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP).

Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.

Microsoft Prayers:

Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Savior:

This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its Internal vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will delete itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Protestant, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.

Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satan, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.

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APPLE WINS THE ROUND

Three Apple engineers and Three Microsoft Employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you'll see", answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats, but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you'll see, " answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please...".

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