COMPUTER JOKES

Bits and Bytes

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I'm really not an online addict....

I'm really not an addict,
There is no need to shout;
But talking with my puter friends,
Has turned my life about.

I still do the grocery shopping,
And make a bed or two;
But instead of staring at TV,
I spend some time with you.

I go with friends or family,
To dinner or a show;
I take the time to hear my kids,
Or to watch a flower grow.

But yes, you'll find me off and on,
Sitting on my puter chair;
And talking to my cyber friends,
Who always seem to care.

There are redeeming qualities,
And hear me if you will;
Since playing in this cyber world,
I've improved keyboarding skill.

In fact I feel at peace with life,
Things are going well;
The only thing it hasn't done,
Is teach me how to spell.

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Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

  1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
  2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
  3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
  4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
  5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

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COMPUTER TERMS

BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."
BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough studying.
CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"
DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours.
DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you get a new computer.
ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."
EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
FILE: What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see chips).
HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
MENU: What you'll never see again after buying acomputer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.
PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.
RETURN: What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

Frustrating Machines!
The Internet
Software Problems?
Poems
T.D.I.
Microsoft Bashing
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Most recent revision October 18th, 2007.