- Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
scream "Oh my God! They've
found me!" and bolt.
- Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and
look suspiciously at
everyone who looks at you.
- When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty
can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5
minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
- Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you
- Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
different screen than the one it's set up with.
- Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at
the highest volume possible over & over again.
- Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
something on the screen and
crawl underneath the desk.
- Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
- Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
- Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it
- Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it,
say "Just in case..."
- Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at
everything bad about your
life. Then stop and continue typing.
- Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if
they're crazy while typing.
- Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
- Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone
agrees. Then, pull a disk
out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
- Every time you press Return and there is processing time required,
"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it
- "DISK FIGHT!!!"
- Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It
helps if you know them, but
this is also a great way to make new friends).
- Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type
by hitting the keys with
- If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
Sleeps Tonight" whenever
there is processing time required.
- Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to
your monitor. Try to
seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that
women (men) are worthless.
- Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when
it doesn't work, get the
- When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where
the smiling Apple face is
when you turn on one of those.
- Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done
(two days later) say that
all you wanted was one line.
- Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing
this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
- Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person
next to you. Grinds some more.
Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough
to let them blow up, as
this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them
- If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends,
cut them and deposit them on
your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
- Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on
your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
- Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and
place them of top of the
monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the
monitor. Exclaim sudden
haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
- Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper
like this. Then go to the
lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
- Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and
- Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
- Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat,
the B key is F sharp, etc.).
Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper
- Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
- Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me,
mind if I borrow this
for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
- Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
- When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes
the old ways are best.
- Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
- Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until
you see that your neighbor
is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't
affected). Then look at your neighbor's
keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire
word. While you do this, ask:
"Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting
the space bar on your
keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your
Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the
space bar this whole
time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document
- Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor
and complain that your
computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue
on or around the disk
drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
- Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled,
burst out laughing, and say
"You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave,
howling as you go.
- Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making
elaborate hand gestures for a
minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell
peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say.
"Oh, good. It worked this
time," and calmly start to type again.
- Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
- See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to
them like you've known them
all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out
you're a total stranger.
- Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
effects. Pretend it's the computer
and look really lost.
- Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the
lead doesn't work.
- Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh
happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat
this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the
Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk
- Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then
calmly sit down and begin to type.
- Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
chainsaw, rev that baby up, and
then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer
or you'll be feeding my
pet crocodile for the next week".
- Two words: Tesla Coil.