COMPUTER JOKES

Computer Lingo

sound button to hear Elmer Fudd saying There's something screwy around here

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PC Jargon

PC Petulant Calculator
PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
SCSI System Can't See It
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
RISC Reduced Into Silly Code
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
DEC Do Expect Cuts
IBM I Blame Microsoft
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
DOS Defective Operating System
WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

Office Lingo

404 someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located -- Don't bother asking him, he's 404.
Dilberted to be exploited and/or oppressed by the boss
Ego surfing scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name
Geeksploitation taking advantage of young high-tech workers willing to work long hours if bolstered by junk food, flexible schedules and no dress code
I-Way the abbreviation for information superhighway
Keypal an email pen pal
Mouse potato the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato
Ohnosecond the minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've made a big mistake
Screenagers on-line teens; also used to define the 18-24 age group who grew up in front of TV or computer screens
Uninstalled a euphemism for being fired

REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS

  • BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
  • BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
  • BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
  • BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
  • CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
  • CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
  • TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
  • CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
  • DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
  • DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
  • FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
  • HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
  • HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
  • INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
  • KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
  • MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
  • MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
  • MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
  • MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
  • NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
  • ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
  • ROM - Where the pope lives
  • SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
  • SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
  • SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
  • SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
  • BIT - What the black flies did
  • MEGA BYTE - What the BIG black flies do
  • HARDWARE - The real stainless steel cutlery
  • WEB - What a spider makes
  • WEBSITE - The barn or the attic
  • CURSOR - Someone who swears
  • SEARCH ENGINE - What you do when the car dies
  • SCREEN SAVER - A repair kit for the torn window screen
  • HOME PAGE - A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the field
  • UPGRADE - Steep hill
  • SERVER - The person at Bonanza what brings the food
  • MAIL SERVER - The guy at Bonanza what brings the food
  • MSDOS - Some new disease they discovered
  • SOUND CARD - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it
  • USER - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff
  • BROWSER - What they call you when your eye brows grow together
  • NETWORK - When you have to repair your fishing net
  • INTERNET - Complicated fish net repair method
  • NETSCAPE - When a fish maneuvers out of reach
  • ONLINE - When you get the laundry hung out on the wash line
  • OFFLINE - When the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground

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PC GLOSSARY

When it says: It means:
"Press Any Key" "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
"Press A Key" (This one's a programmers joke.)
Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.
"Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
"Installing program to C:\...." "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."
"Please insert disk 7" "Because I know darn well there are only 6 disks."
"Not enough memory" "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."
"Cannot read from drive D:...." "...however, if you put the CD in right side up..."
"Please Wait...." "...indefinitely."
"Directory does not exist...." "....any more. Woops."
"The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

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WINDOWS 98 ERROR

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama....

If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.

TERMS YOU WILL NEED TO KNOW:
Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98 :

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Most recent revision October 20th, 2007.