Mega Laughs

Why My Dog Won't Use a Computer

  1. Can't stick his head out of Windows'95
  2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
  3. Too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
  4. Can't help attacking the screen when he hears, "You've got mail."
  5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
  6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing instead of working.
  7. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
  8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
  9. "Sit" and "Stay" were hard enough; "Delete" and "Save" are out of the question!
  10. TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOoTgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. ("Too hard to type with paws!")

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Windows 95 definition

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

The Ultimate Solution - microsoft Windows Toilet Paper

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More Tech Support Giggles

Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective.
Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker the right side of the machine and vice versa."
Customer: (sputter) (click)
Tech Support: (snicker)

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?" Sometimes the user can teach us a thing or two about tech support.

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.

And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained about how hard it was to hit the buttons. She was quite embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?"

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."
Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he kept getting the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of the key. When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

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New Domain Name Extensions

.bill Informs you that Microsoft has bought this company and will be checking your hard drive for pirated software that you were only "borrowing" from your friend.
.slow Based in a distant country with no T3 lines Also can be used by students hosting web sites from their dorms.
.spam Sites which offer to sell you everything you don't want
.geek Assumes you know what all the acronyms mean
.aol Assumes you DON'T know what all the acronyms mean
.crash Has downloads which will crash your system
.sex Sites which claim to have teenage girls waiting to do whatever you want, but are run by old guys. This should make it easier than Net Nanny to block it from those young prying eyes.
.cnt Counter sites, who's only purpose is to give someone credit for sending you someplace you didn't want to go
.404 Sites that stopped maintaining their servers in 1996 and somehow managed to stay in the records of Yahoo and AltaVista
.prez Automatically identifies that the subject matter is scandalously related to the president and MonicaGate.
.trek Contains audio files of William Shatner
.*** REALLY good free adult image sites

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New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies

  1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
  2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
  3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
  4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
  5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
  6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe...
  7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
  8. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
  9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "... LOL!"
  10. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
  11. I will think of a password other than "password."
  12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
  13. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

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You may be addicted to the internet if:

  1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!
  2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
  3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
  4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ......instead of ICU!
  5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
  6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.
  7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.
  8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
  9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
  10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
  11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
  12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
  13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
  14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.
  15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
  16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
  17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for a while.
  18. You say......."Where did the time go??"
  19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
  20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
  21. You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
  22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.
  23. You think faster than the computer.
  24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **kisses**.
  25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
  26. You're on the phone and say BRB.
  27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
  28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP"
  29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.
  30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.

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  1. Home is where you hang your @
  2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail
  3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click
  4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks
  5. Great groups from little icons grow
  6. C:\ is the root of all directories
  7. Don't put all your hypes in one home page
  8. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish
  9. The modem is the message
  10. Too many clicks spoil the browse
  11. The geek shall inherit the earth
  12. A chat has nine lives
  13. Don't byte off more than you can view
  14. What boots up, must come down
  15. Windows will never cease
  16. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal)
  17. Virtual reality is its own reward
  18. Modulation in all things
  19. A user and his leisure time are soon parted
  20. There's no place like
  21. Know what to expect, before you connect
  22. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when we first practice
  23. Speed thrills
  24. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
    Teach him to use the 'net and he won't bother you for weeks.

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  • If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
  • To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
  • If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
  • Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
  • To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
  • To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
  • To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
  • If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
  • When you loose your car keys, click on find.
  • "Help" with the chores is just a click away.
  • Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
  • And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to YOU..
  • You could hit the minus sign and reduce your size!!!!!!!!
Don't touch the screen while  you're compressing a file

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Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life:

  • You have never sat through an entire movie without hearing at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
  • You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't a single typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.
  • You disdain people with low baud rates.
  • You know Bill Gates's e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
  • You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number" since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
  • You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
  • On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else reading John Grisham novels.
  • The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind
  • You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
  • While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries or appendectomy scars, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
  • You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

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Most recent revision October 20th, 2007.