COMPUTER JOKES

Miscellaneous Jokes

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FIVE REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to long term memory for future reference.
3. The language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

sound button to hear a funny voice wondering what's wrong with the doohickythingamajig

And Women Strike Back With:

TOP 6 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE

6. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time, they ARE the problem.
5. They have a lot of data, but they are still clueless.
4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to.
2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the machine that they're
compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

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WORDS OF WISDOM??

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari & H-P interested in his & Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

12 more interesting things that you learn about computers in the movies....

  1. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
  2. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
  3. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
  4. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
  5. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
  6. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
  7. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.
  8. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
  9. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY.
  10. Whenever a character looks at a terminal, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
  11. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
  12. (From Independence Day) No matter what kind of virus it is, any computer can be infected with it -- even an alien spaceship's computer -- simply by running a virus upload program on a laptop.

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Top Signs you're addicted to your computer......

  1. Instead of talking, you try to type on someone's forehead
  2. Permanent keyboard fact from falling asleep at the helm
  3. Forgotten the names of your kids, but you know the cast of The Spot
  4. Give directions in URL's
  5. Getting snowed in is good news
  6. You have a pet name for your mouse
  7. Your spouse leaves you and you only notice when the fridge is empty
  8. You fantasize about meeting Dad from Star Trek
  9. You can explain what an L2 cache is
  10. You not only insist your children be computer-literate, you insist they have "the power to crush the other kids"
taken from the May 97 Dallas/FortWorth edition of Computer Currents ------www.currents.net

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Irreverent Computers

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sat themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves."

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THE VALUE OF TIME

To realize the value of ONE YEAR
Ask a student who has failed a class.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK
Ask an editor of a weekly.

To realize the value of ONE DAY
Ask a daily wage labor.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE
Ask a person who has missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE SECOND
Ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.

To realize the value of ONE NANOSECOND
"Ask a Hardware Engineer"!

And then if you don't realize the value of time...
You must be a Software Engineer !!!

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A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

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ABBOTT AND COSTELLO

Costello: Hey, Abbot!

Abbot: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.

Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium II-400, with 128 Megs of RAM, a 12 Gig hard drive, and a 100X CD-ROM

Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!

Abbot: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.

Abbot: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.

Abbot: Well, I don't know ...

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.

Abbot: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.

Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.

Abbot: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?

Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.

Abbot: I know, you press the Start button

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.

Abbot: I did.

Costello: When?

Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?

Abbot: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop?

Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?

Abbot: Start.

Costello: Start what?

Abbot: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?

Abbot: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!

Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.

Abbot: To shut down the computer, press

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"

Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and the Cease and Desist button, but no one in his right mind presses the Start to Stop.

Abbot: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.

Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.

Abbot: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye

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Deleting

QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?

ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

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The Oldest Profession

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist
sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing
which was the oldest profession.

The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God
created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so
therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that
stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most
certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever,
and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly
smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"

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Toast, anyone?

If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Price Club/CostCo made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
If Unisys made toasters...
They'd actually buy them from Cray, pay SGI to incorporate a better visual appearance, and bundle in a maintenance staff of 30 to keep it operational.
If Wang made toasters...
The bread would disappear, but they would claim that it worked as it was intended.
And, of course:
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

Geek Test

  1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
  2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
  3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
  4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
  5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
  6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
  7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
  8. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
  9. C:\WINDOWS C:WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
  10. <------------ The information went data way --------
  11. Best file compression around: "DEL C:\*.*" = 100% compression
  12. The Defn. of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
  13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal port not responding.
  14. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
  15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
  16. Access denied - - nah nah na nah nah!
  17. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
  19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name!"
  20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
  21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
  22. Backups? We don' need no steenking backups.
  23. E Pluribus Modem
  24. ...File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  25. Ethernet (n): something used the catch the etherbunny.
  26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
  27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
  28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. ? (Y/N)
  29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  30. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
  31. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
  32. 24 hours in a day...24 cokes in a case...coincidence?
  33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
  34. Windows: just another pane.
  35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out of Memory . . .
  36. Who is General Failure and why's he reading my disk?
  37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
  38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
  39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
  40. All computers wait at the same speed.
  41. DEFN: Computer - a device designed to speed and automate errors.
  42. Press CTRL - ALT - DEL to continue...
  43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
  44. Enter any 11 - digit prime number to continue...
  45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
  46. E-mail returned to sender - insufficient voltage.
  47. Help! I'm modeming ... and I can't hang up!!!
  48. All wiyht. Rhosritched mg kebord awound?
  49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
  50. DOS tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
  51. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
  52. Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
  53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
  54. Go ahead, make my data!
  55. CDROM: Consumer Device Rendered Obsolete in Months.

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Different types of viruses recently seen near YOUR computer!

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then re-attaches it (but that part will never work again).
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack. Once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "Virus", but refers to itself as an "Electronic Micro-organism".
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, It requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, But it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes you monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe just cant figyour out watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: 60% of the PC's infected will lose 38% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't!" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Tokyo.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: You computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self- destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Plays a patriotic WAV file while causing your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won*t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn*t allow you to accomplish anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer to shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades you system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, *Read my docs....No new files!* on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in *self defense*.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it*s guilty of trashing your system, but you just can*t prove it.
BILL CLINTON VIRUS: Suddenly appears from nowhere, promises to upgrade all your applications, gains control of your computer, then totally corrupts your entire system for four years.
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn*t do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
WOODY ALLEN VIRUS Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
TONYA HARDING VIRUS Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS II Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
JANE FONDA VIRUS Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUSYour IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
TITANIC VIRUSMakes your whole computer go down.
DISNEY VIRUSEverything in the computer goes Goofy.
MIKE TYSON VIRUSQuits after one byte.
PROZAC VIRUSScrews up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
SHARON STONE VIRUSMakes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
TIM ALLEN VIRUSAppears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUSWon't let you into any of your programs.
GEORGE MICHAEL VIRUSRuns its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUSOnly attacks minor files.
X-FILES VIRUSAll your Icons start shape shifting.
SPICE GIRL VIRUSHas no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
SONNY BONO VIRUSJust when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of no where.
MARTHA STEWART VIRUSTakes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
AVOID COMPUTER VIRUSES - -PRACTICE SAFE HEX!!!!!

Frustrating Machines!
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Help Desk Funnies
just what the name implies.
Funny stories of calls to computer help centers.
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