Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,3311 to change the light bulb and post to the list that the light bulb has been changed
Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").
WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!
When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.
Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like "Thanks."
Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.
CC: all your E-mail to Al Gore (firstname.lastname@example.org) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway Internet.
Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.
Although this isn't the *only* way to sign off the list, it is the most fool-proof. Please read these instructions completely before beginning.
Tools needed: one Hammer, one screwdriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.
Step #1: Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your Internet Service Provider (GOD).
Step #2: If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list, you will need to find the "mailhost". This is a machine usually located in a locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of diskettes with that day's mail messages, including yours from this list, to this machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the "mailhost". The reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best, fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys don't want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down with one (1) hammer (you did get all the tools needed?).
Step #3: find the ON/OFF switch for this machine. Using the pliers, set the switch to the OFF position by tugging downwards until the disposable plastic switch breaks away from the computer casing. Discard the disposable plastic switch in an environmentally-friendly manner. This will alert the mailman to no longer deliver the diskettes with the messages to the "mailhost" not unlike the little red flag found on mailboxes. This should resolve your mail problem immediately.
Step #4: You may experience a recurrence of mail within 72 hours. If this should happen, you will need to disable the "mailhost" once again with more forceful measures. Repeat Step #2. Don't be suprised if there is a sturdier door in place than the one you destroyed previously. This is due to the fact that the "Have Key" clique found out that someone has seen their private stash of computer equipment.
Step #5: After you have once again regained entry into the "mailhost" room, open up the back of the "mailhost". There may be a large tv-like device on top of the "mailhost" You will need to remove this first. Take your wire cutters, and cut any cables binding the tv-like device to the "mailhost". Set the tv-like device to the side. With your screwdriver, remove each and every screw that you can find on the "mailhost". Shake vigorously. Once this is done, the "mailhost" should break away into two or more pieces. Do not be alarmed, this is normal.
Step #6: Find a large box with a fan attached to it. It will be clearly marked with the following labels: "Danger" "High Voltage" "Do not open - no user-servicable parts". Don't worry, these labels are merely in place to satisfy OSHA requirements and you are not in any danger at all. Take the bucket of saline water and pour it into any vents or ports that the large box may have. Any extra water should be poured directly into the computer chassis, be sure to properly soak each and every component.
Step #7: In the event of fire (OSHA has been known to be right on occasion), douse any flames with the sani-wipes.
This solution is provided without warranty. It is not bio-degradable or fat-free. In the event of sudden death, contact a physician immediately.
A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end
"Lead us not into temptation" she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen".
You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all
were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in
You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com
The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.
If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how "really are important you are to us".
The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-a$$ company somewhere else.
Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.
Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while little kids called your cell phone saying "Wanna ****?"
Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family."
Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"
Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.
even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.
You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really the Earth's f***ing fault.
The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to "McHax0r Wuz H3r3" and "Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz" almost daily. Police don't investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove the sign altogether.
Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.
Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you'd foot the bill.
Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police bashing in your door, throwing your butt on the floor, and kicking the hell out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, dipstick. ROFLMAO LOL!!"
You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.
You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.
The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.
The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings and beating the heck out of kids currently playing there.
Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies can not get out "for safety reasons", and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles are allowed in.
The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU DO WANT A DARN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no". The voice then replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW".
A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2 patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g
Community events would be periodically interrupted because of the speaker randomly flying out of the meeting hall and appearing several minutes later with some stupid comment about a Punt Monster.
Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.
Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.
T.D.I. Microsoft Bashing
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