This came from the book Charlie's World, by Audrey Ronning Topping, that I recently purchased and read, about a Cockatoo named Charlie.
For thirty years he talked in feathered pride|
For thirty years he talked before he died.
You say that parrots do not really know
The meaning of the words they speak? Just so,
I grant you that you may be right - but then,
She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that
keeps a parrot.
The Foot StrainerPlace one foot on the side of the food bowl, using the other foot as a utensil. Grab a footfull of food and lift. Smaller seeds and pieces of food will fall to the floor, making a funny noise. Eat the one or two pieces which remain in the foot. Repeat until the bowl is empty.
The Dainty SelectorApproach the fresh dish of food. Daintily select pieces of food and gently drop to the floor of the cage until only a few desired pieces of food remain in the bowl. Proceed to eat. When done, call for more food.
The DieterOne at a time, hold each piece of fruit, veggie or pasta in the foot. Take one bite and drop the remainder on the floor. This ensures that there will be room for treats and other delicacies later.
The Dried Fruit GourmetChoose pieces of dried fruit. Carefully place them in the water bowl. Return later, after they have plumped up. Then remove from the bowl, taste and drop on the floor.
The ShovelerApproach a full dish of food. Bury the beak in the bowl and with a quick snap of the neck, sweep the food sideways out of the dish. Use short quick strokes to cover most of the cage bottom with pretty patterns of food. If feeling energetic, shovel harder to decorate the walls and floor outside of the cage. This method helps convince the pet owner that a different kind of food is preferred.
The 20 foot FlingDip the foot in a food dish and grab a large footfull of goodies. Close the foot into a ball around the items, raise the foot and throw as far as possible. This technique not only gets to the walls and floors, but reaches much of the furniture as well.
The Grate HoudiniFrom time to time drop morsels of favorite foods on the cage floor. Let them remain there while they age to the proper potency. When ready, climb down to the cage floor and sample the delicacies. Many pet owners have placed grates in the bottom of the cage. To thwart this maneuver, just stretch a leg through the grate to get at the prize. Most birds have legs long enough to reach the tray below the grate. If the owner changes the cage papers daily, begin dropping pieces of food just after the change so that the food has at least a few hours to ripen.
The Butter or Sauce ScraperThis maneuver is to foil the human who coats a piece of undesirable food with butter, sauce or something else that birds really love. Just hold the piece of food in the foot and use the beak to skim off the good tasting part, leaving the unwanted portion untouched.
Pack a LunchTuck seeds, pellets or other choice items among the feathers and under the wings. It messes up the human's measurements of how much is eaten and puzzles them when they give you a shower.
The ArtistFor birds with an artistic flair and a good sense of color. Break off a piece of dyed wood from a favorite toy and place in the water dish. From time to time, return to the dish and mix. When the water has turned a satisfactory color, call for the pet owner to admire the creation and replace the water. Begin a new artistic work.
The DunkerCarefully select a choice piece of food from the food dish. Items like pellets, cheerios or birdie bread are best. Dip in the water bowl until thoroughly soaked. Sample the moist delicacy and decide that it doesn't taste as good as expected. Leave the item in the water bowl and start complaining about the messy water.
The Water Bottle TrickFor those birds lucky enough to have a water bottle. Select the proper size seed and wedge it into the water bottle tip. This keeps the water bottle mechanism open and creates a nice waterfall effect. Experienced birds can also use the beak or a toe to achieve the same effect.
Eating at the Dinner Table
The Plate StompExplore the various foods available on the table, before making a selection. Just approach each bowl or plate and walk through it, making sure to pass through each item on the plate. Foods with sauces and dressings are especially great. They stick to the feet and allow the flavors to mix with other food items. The messy feet also discourage the pet owner from picking a bird up from the table.
The Shoulder TrickSelect a piece of food which has a sauce (such as pasta) or a juicy item (such as a piece of tomato). Holding the food in the beak, as fast as possible climb up the arm of a human to the shoulder. Proceed to eat the messy food, dropping sauce or juice on the human's clothes. When done, drop the remainder and wipe the beak on a still clean portion of the item of clothing. A true expert bird can perfect the 'Squeegee Trick'. Hold a piece of pasta with sauce in the foot and bite off the end. Pull the pasta through the foot to get another bit, while at the same time forcing the sauce to come off on the foot. Place this foot on the human's shoulder when it has become sufficiently covered with sauce. Climb down the arm to get another piece of food.
The Floor CaperAfter selecting items from a dinner plate, take a few bites and fling the remainder to the floor. To throw the food further, fling the food from a human's shoulder. If the human becomes annoyed, placate it by offering it a bit of the food or saying something cute and looking innocent.
Eat to Get a HugGrab all the garlic you can find - garlic bread, salad dressing, etc. Then give the human a kiss. The human will give you hugs and scratches - anything to avoid getting another odorous, garlic breathe kiss. Also effective is the 'Pepper Kiss'. A kiss after eating hot red peppers or jalapenos will definitely get a human's attention.
And if a grabbing device were invented to pick up the Dicker Clicker,
would that be a Dicker Clicker Picker-Upper?
Also, if the Dicker Clicker was marked with an adhesive identification label,
would that be a Dicker Clicker Sticker?
If the identification label was gross and insulting,
would a viewer suffer from Dicker Clicker Sick Sticker Shock?
If an argument broke out over the identification label,
would someone time the incident with a Dicker Clicker Sick Sticker Bicker Ticker?
There once was a person named Dicker,
Who trained all his birds with a clicker,
They ignored all his teaching,
Kept screaming and screeching,
'Til he noticed that liquor worked quicker.
(This in no way means to imply that Layne Dicker, nor any member of the Dicker Clicker Sick Sticker Bicker Ticker Syndicate would in any way ever ever *EVER* feed liquor to their avian companions. It was just a limerick and the words rhymed. Close cover before striking. Your mileage may vary. One size fits most.)
......as told to Stewart Metz, by Basil the UmbieToo, after a promise of pine nuts
Last week, I was trying to get E.T. back into her house so I could go to work. Normally, I am VERY aware of where Elliott is because he hates me like matter hates antimatter. I was focusing on getting E.T. to "step-up" and my brain totally ignored Elliott, who was advancing toward my outstretched arm.
The progression of events, in seconds:
|000.00 E.T. steps-up onto my hand.|
|000.05 Elliott takes a test bite of my juicy forearm.|
|000.10 Elliott is amazed that he was able to make contact.|
|000.30 Elliott takes another test bite in a new location.|
|000.50 Garry's "brain" says "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"|
|000.60 Garry's "brain" says "Don't fling E.T.!!!"|
|000.80 Elliott drills for oil, goes for bone, Tyson's my arm.|
|001.00 Garry's "brain" says "Hmmmm. Major Tissue Trauma. Lose the parrot."|
|001.20 E.T. takes an unscheduled trip.|
|001.50 Garry's "brain" tells Garry's arm to pull away from the Birdshark.|
|002.00 Garry's "brain" begins to assemble numerous invective phrases.|
|002.10 Garry's mouth begins a constant stream of high-volume cursing.|
|004.00 Garry's daughter wakes up to words she normally only hears at school.|
|060.00 Garry, having exhausted English curses, starts using Farsi and Tagalog|
|120.00 Garry applies Neosporin and a bandage to the gaping wound.|
|240.00 Garry notices the blood stains on the rolled-up sleeve of his shirt|
|240.50 Garry starts cursing in Klingon|
Later: Garry finally arrives at work with an arm that looks like it came in last in a pneumatic nail-gun fight.
During the Creation, Emotions were being designed.
When "JOY" came time to be, the Creator realized that it was a very beautiful emotion.
So he made it a brilliant green, and called it an emerald.
But "He" realized then that an emerald was hard, monochromatic, and a bit cold, and "JOY" was to be a soft emotion.
So "He" gave the emerald soft, green wings
an orange cap
a luminescent, bright green belly
and a CAPE of feathers
and released it, one day, into our world as "perfect JOY"
But I found it, and call her Sparty LaJoie, the CAPE parrot!
I did a little research and discovered that, other than pulmonary chlamydiosis ("Parrot Fever"), there are only six diseases or afflictions which can be transferred from parrots to humans:
And if we find we are displaying any of the symptoms, there are a few support/research groups out there:
I'll lend you, for a little while, a bird of mine," He said.
"For you to love while he lives, and mourn when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or maybe twenty-three.
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and shall his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay, as all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there I want this bird to learn.
I've looked the whole world over in my search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes, I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love - not think this labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call to take him back again.
I fancied that I heard them say, 'Dear Lord, thy will be done.'
For all the joy this bird shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shower him with tenderness and love while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.
And should the angels call for him much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes, and try to understand."
Mashed Potatoes with Gravy
Get up early in the morning & have a cup of coffee. It's going to be a long day so place your Parrot on a perch nearby to keep you company while you prepare the meal.
Remove Parrot from kitchen counter back to perch. Prepare stuffing, remove Parrot from edge of stuffing bowl. Stuff turkey & place it in the roasting pan, remove Parrot from edge of pan. Have another cup of coffee to steady your nerves. Remove Parrot's head from turkey cavity and re-stuff voided area. Prepare relish tray, remember to make twice as much so that you'll have a regular size serving after the Parrot has eaten his fill.
Remove Parrot from kitchen counter. Prepare cranberry sauce, discard berries accidentally flung to the floor. Peel potatoes, remove Parrot from edge of potato bowl. Arrange sweet potatoes in a pan & cover with brown sugar & mini marshmallows, remove Parrot from edge of pan & replace missing marshmallows.
Brew another pot of coffee. While it is brewing, clean up the torn filter and old coffee grounds from around the pot. Pry coffee bean from Parrot beak. Have another cup of coffee & remove Parrot from kitchen counter.
When time to serve the meal: Place roasted turkey on a large platter, cover beak marks with strategically placed sprigs of parsley. Put mashed potatoes into serving bowl, rewhip at last minute to conceal bite marks and talon prints. Place pan of sweet potatoes on sideboard, forget presentation as there's no way to hide the areas of missing marshmallow. Put rolls in decorative basket, remove Parrot from side of basket along with beaked rolls, serve what's left. Set a stick of butter out on the counter to soften - think better and return it to the refrigerator. Wipe down counter to remove mashed potato talon tracks.
Remove Parrot from kitchen counter & carve the pie into serving slices. Wipe whipped cream off Parrot's beak & place large dollops of remaining cream on pie slices. Whole slices are then served to guests, beaked-out portions should be reserved for host & hostess.
Place Parrot inside cage & lock the door. Sit down to a nice relaxing dinner with your family - accompanied by plaintive cries of "WANT DINNER!" from the other room.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL
|Twas the night before Christmas and all through the flights,|
Not a bird was stirring since I turned off the lights.
Clean dishes were stacked by the freezer with care,
So in the morning they would be filled with fresh healthy fare.
The babies were handfed, the pet birds out to play
Everyone was settled- I was done for the day.
When down from the basement there arose such a clatter
"The Goffins are missing" I yelled to my spouse
The other birds sulked as they viewed the whole mess.
Holding my breath I approached with great care
They stared at me smugly cheeks puffed with contentment
For along with their mischief, they brought love and fun
My dear friends and family, my health and my spouse
|"I saw Joanie kissing Kodiak,"|
"Underneath the mistletoe treat stick!"
"Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree,"|
"Your branches are inviting me."
"I'll climb real high, above the room."
"Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree,"
"He's charging my hand,"|
"He's biting it twice!"
"Kodiak says: 'Aww, that's not nice!'"
"Pepper Claws is coming to town."
"He's always on a diet."
"Brawwwk the hungry parrots sing,"|
"Here's our list of treats to bring."
"Chunks of fruit and vegetables nigh,"
"And a piece of pizza pie."
"Away in a nest box,"|
"Pine chips for a bed,"
"A little lone Ringneck,"
"Lays down his sweet head."
"A mouse from the meadow,"
"I'm dreaming of a bright Christmas."|
"Full spectrum lighting all aglow."
"Psittacines do need this,"
"For vitamin-D synthesis,"
"Birds need more photons, don't you know."
"Have a happy bappy Christmas,"|
"Birdy-wirdies of good cheer."
"If you grinch out, and cry or pout,"
"Then you can kiss my rear!"
"Oh come all ye hybrids,"|
"Ye mixtures and ye crossbreeds."
"Oh come ye, oh come ye,"
"Up on the cage top,"|
"Food I seek,"
"Thrown there by a mad Caique."
"Bits of spaghetti,"
"Pretty Bird, too,"
"And a lump of greenish goo."
"Rubbing on my perch,"|
"Is no way to procreate,"
"I want a willing hen,"
"Please be here by eight!"
"My hormones are inflamed,"
"Ohhh, Jungle Belles, Jungle Belles,"
And 22 more hits, all on two CD's or four 8-track tapes!
Plus, for the first 1000 customers who respond to this offer, we have free PEAC Scratch-N-Sniff parrot t-shirts!
Don't let this holiday season pass you by without a song on your beak!
Use your charge card and we will bill you in four monthly installments of $29.95, or send check, money order, and your first-born male child to:
Hoax, AK 99666
Sorry, no CODs, or HALIBUTs, or SALMONs.
Many months have passed since the initial release of information regarding HAIRS, or Human-Avian Insanity Reaction Syndrome. During that time, scientists at Uranus Interactive have been hard at work examining data and doing research. The results of their labors are presented here in a new set of avian behaviors which trigger HAIRS in those humans who are owned by members of the psittacine community.
Once the avian subject has been contacted by the human, be the subject a rescue bird, a lonely bird, a distraught bird, or an abnormally cute and attractive bird, the Avian Cognitive Virus begins its attack on the human brain. In a short time after the "infection," the human victim begins to experience avian sensory input of startling clarity. Here is a common scenario:
The viral reprogramming of neural pathways has progressed to the point that the human subject begins to hold conversations with themselves: "Ohhhhhh, it's so CUTE! Listen! It's SAYING something..."
"Mommy! MOMMY! Why didn't you take me home with you?"
"Oh no! What have I done?"
"Mommy! I want to go home! I'm scared and cold and there are ANTS and SNAKES here! There's poop on my perch! I had seed hulls for breakfast and my water is green and wiggly!"
Omigawd omigawd omigawd, what am I going to do?
"Buy me Mommy! Come and get me! SAVE ME! I won't eat much, and I'll be quiet, and I won't chew on the woodwork much. MOMMY! Someone else is here. He is looking at me! He is hairy and sweaty and has scabs and gross, yellow, beaver teeth! He's opening the cage! NOOOOO! MOMMY! HELP! HIS BIG HAIRY HAND IS GRABBING MY..."
Suddenly, without conscious thought, the human ACV victim is in their car, driving to the pet store, rubbing their credit card as they speed down the road. Eyes afire, biceps flexing, the victim manifests the self-image of a Guardian Angel on a Holy Mission and NO ONE is going to stop them.
Thank you for your attention. Uranus Interactive will continue to explore the frontiers of avian-human relations, reporting the results back to you, the human Monkey Slave victims. We march under a banner that reads "A mind is a terrible thing."
If you enjoyed the snippets of humor from Garry Wallan, you'll love his new book, The Wacky World of Wallan: Psittacine Psillyness from Garry Wallan, a Really Funny Guy. It is available from Parrot Education & Adoption Center's website in the Gift Shop section. The cost is $18.20, which includes the shipping charge. The book includes "illustrations", if you can call them that. Check out his website for examples of his artwork!
|To Skye's for Birds!|
Web Page Design ©1998 by:
Most recent revision October 20th, 2007.