(Pass this along to your internal technical support in your office so they will be nice to you the next time you ask a stupid quextion as to why the computer doesn't work) Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my paper has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.
(To the tune of: Little Deuce Coupe, The Beach Boys)
Well I'm not braggin' boys so don't put me down. But I've got the fastest ROM boot in town.
When somethin' comes up you know I don't even try. I just hit the return key an let her fly. She's my little PC, you don't know what I've got.
Just a little PC with a monochrome. But we tell the other guys take your Apples home. She's got a printer port and a network board And an 8087 on the motherboard.
She's my little PC, you don't know what I've got.
She's got an Alpha Byte card with a 232 And her memory sings like she's cryin' the blues. And if that ain't enough to make you flip your lid, There's one more thing; I've got a hard disk daddy.
When I bring her on line all I see is green, Till I turn the brightness up and clear the screen. I get bent out of shape and I start to fret, When I have to boot again 'cause there's no reset.
She's my little PC, you don't know what I've got.
YEAR 2000 THEME SONG
(to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale Of the doom that is our fate. That started when programmers used Two digits for a date. Two digits for a date. Main memory was smaller then; Hard disks were smaller, too. "Four digits are extravagant, So let's get by with two. So let's get by with two." "This works through 1999," The programmers did say. "Unless we rewrite before that It all will go away. It all will go away." But Management had not a clue: "It works fine now, you bet! A rewrite is a straight expense; We won't do it just yet. We won't do it just yet." Now when 2000 rolls around It all goes straight to hell, For zero's less than ninety-nine, As anyone can tell. As anyone can tell. The mail won't bring your pension check. It won't be sent to you When you're no longer sixty-eight, But minus thirty-two. But minus thirty-two. The problems we're about to face Are frightening, for sure. And reading every line of code's The only certain cure. The only certain cure. [key change, big finish] There's not much time, There's too much code. (And Cobol-coders, few) When the century is finished with, We may be finished, too. We may be finished, too. Eight thousand years from now I hope That things weren't left too late, And people aren't then lamenting Four digits for a date Four digits for a date
(by Steve Weyhrich)
IT¹S RUNNING MY CODE(To the tune of THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SONG by the Buckinghams) (This song parody is dedicated to Randy Brandt and Mark Munz, who managed to emulate AppleWorks 5.1 on the Macintosh, and to any other enterprising programmers out there who work to make old classics have new life on new platforms...) Hey, baby, it's running my code! The program that I wrote When I wasn't quite so old Hey, baby, it's running my code! Let's go back to Apple It's where we belong It's the one with that clever subroutine It's the one that made a lotta bucks for me It made me feel so groovy It was as co-ol As a QuickTime movie! Hey, baby, it's running my code! The program that I wrote When I wasn't quite so old Hey, baby, it's running my code! Let's go back to Apple It's where we belong Pleasant memories are comin' back to me (Ah!) Can't you remember the way it used to be? (Ah!) If I forgot to file it Then I would have To just go recompile it! Hey baby! Hey baby! It's running my code! Hey baby! Hey baby! It's running my code! (fade)
INTERNET FILEMANCopyright 1994 © by Steven Weyhrich (sung to the tune of "WITCHITA LINEMAN" by Glen Campbell) I am a Fileman for the I'Net And I cruise the main node Searchin' on the run For another hot upload. I send them zingin' through the wires I upload them while online And the Internet Fileman Is still on the line... The last batch needs ver-i-fi-cation Hope that Sysop's been trained And if that virus scan fails It will cause no end of pain And I need them more than want them And I want them all for MINE And the Internet FileMan Is still on the line...
HACK HACK HACK(by Steve Weyhrich; No, this isn't about someone with a cough) (Sung to the tune of the "FUN FUN FUN" by the Beach Boys) Well, she got her dad's account And she broke into his office mainframe, now Seems like she forgot all about the term paper Like she told her old man, now And with her eye on the modem Goes typin' just as fast as she can, now And she'll just hack, hack, hack 'Till her daddy takes her keyboard away Well, the sysops can't stand her 'Cause she speaks Unix just like an ace, now (She speaks like an ace, now, she speaks like an ace) She takes the BBS software And really puts it through its pace, now (Puts through its pace, now, puts through its pace) IBM tried to catch her But she led 'em on a wild goose chase, now (Wild goose chase, now, wild goose chase) And she'll just hack, hack, hack 'Till her daddy takes her keyboard away Well, you knew all along That the Feds were gettin' wise to you, now (You shouldn't have tried, now, you shouldn't have tried) And since they took your set of disks You've been thinkin' that your fun is all through, now (You shouldn't have lied, now, you shouldn't have lied) But you can come and work for me 'Cause we've got a lot of things to do, now (Do you think you can help me finish debugging Windows 95?) And we'll just hack, hack, hack Uncle Sammy took your keyboard away And we'll just hack, hack, hack Now that daddy took your keyboard away...
SCSI!(by Steve Weyhrich) (Sung to the tune of "Dizzy", with apologies to Tommy Roe) (The joke may be hard to get unless you know that "SCSI" is pronounced in computer circles as "Scuzzy") SCSI! I'm so SCSI, my disk is spinnin' Like a FOR/NEXT, it never ends Your CPU's what's makin' it spin You're making me SCSI! When first I saw your processor I knew that I just had to make you mine But it was hard to "talk" to you With floppies sitting 'round you all the time With me you'd have some power, yet You kept playing hard to get I'm goin' around in circles all the time! SCSI! I'm so SCSI, my disk is spinnin' Like a FOR/NEXT, it never ends Your CPU's what's makin' it spin You're making me SCSI! (Boom boom bah! Ba-doom boom bah! Ba-doom boom bah! ba-da-ba-da ba-da-ba-da) I finally got hooked up to you, And told you just exactly how I felt And then you shared your RAM with me, Then SAVEd it, and my bits began to melt CPU you've got control of me, And I'm so SCSI I can't see We need a mega-doctor for some help! SCSI, my disk is spinnin' Like a FOR/NEXT, it never ends Your CPU's what's makin' it spin You're making me SCSI! (repeat and fade)
LET'S GO PRINT SOME FONTS(by Steve Weyhrich) (To the tune of "At The Hop" by Danny & The Juniors) You can bold it, you can style it You can even outline it With a font You can shadow, you can plain it You can always underline it With a font Join the print sensation That's sweeping the nation With a font Let's go print some fonts Let's go print some fonts (oh bay-bee) Let's go print some fonts Let's go print some fonts Come on Let's go print some fonts!
Surfin' World Wide Web(to the tune of, "Surfin' U.S.A.," by The Beach Boys) Posted on Rec.Humor By: J. Aaron (firstname.lastname@example.org) Archived By: Derek J. Cashman (email@example.com) If everybody had a modem, Across the Internet, Then everybody'd be surfin', But they'd never get wet! You'd seem 'em running their Netscape! They'd catch the flow and ebb! They'd love those hypertext pages! Surfin' World Wide Web! You'd catch 'em surfin' at EINet! Playboy and Penthouse, too! Lycos and WebCrawler, And don't forget Yahoo! All over the network, They'd catch the flow and ebb! Everybody's gone surfin', Surfin' World Wide Web! We'll all be planning that route, We don't know what to expect! We're all installing our diallers, We can't wait to connect! We'll be online for the evening, We'll catch the flow and ebb! Tell the SysOp we're surfin', Surfin' World Wide Web! Microsoft and Compuserve, Genie and AOL MSN and Sympatico, AT&T and Bell! All over the network, We'll catch the flow and ebb! Everybody's gone surfin', Surfin' World Wide Web! Everybody's gone surfin', Surfin' World Wide Web! Everybody's gone surfin', Surfin' World Wide Web! Main Page Canonical Lists Top Tens Songs Misc. Other Sites firstname.lastname@example.org The Wrecked Humor Collection is Copyright ©1996 Derek J. Cashman
Bet you can't read this without singing it!Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed, But then one day he was talkin to a recruiter, Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer.." Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer. The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here". They said "California is the place ya outa be", So he bought some donuts and moved to Silicon Valley... Intel, that is...Pentium...big amusement park... On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube. They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!" OT, that is...unpaid...mandatory... The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad. Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad. They called another meeting and decided on a fix. The answer was simple..."We'll work him sixty-six!" Tired, that is...stressed out...no social life... Now the months turned to years and his hair was turning grey, Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away. Waiting to retire when he turned 64, Instead he got a call and escorted out the door. Laid off, that is...de-briefed...unemployed... Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told. Companies will use you and discard you when you're old. So gather up your friends and start your own firm, Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm. Millionaires, that is...Bill Gates...Steve Jobs... Y'all come back now...ya hear.
T.D.I. Microsoft Bashing
Bits and Bytes
Most recent revision August 18th, 2007.