The store clerk directed the customer to the Service Department.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
: Tech: "Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?" : Cust: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." : T: "What sort of trouble?" : C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." : T: "Went away?" : C: "They disappeared." : T: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" : C: "Nothing." : T: "Nothing?" : C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." : T: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" : C: "How do I tell?" : T: [Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" : C: "What's a sea-prompt?" : T: [Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" : C: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." : T: [Ah-at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wounder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" : C: "What's a monitor?" : T: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" : C: "I don't know." : T: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" : C: [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so." : T: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." : C: [pause] "Yes, it is." : T: [Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" : C: "No." : T: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." : C: [muffled] "Okay, here it is." : T: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." : C: [still muffled] "I can't reach." : T: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" : C: [clear again] "No." : T: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" : C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." : T: "Dark?" : C: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." : T: "Well, turn on the office light then." : C: "I can't." : T: "No? Why not?" : C: "Because there's a power outage." : T: "A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]..... "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" : C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." : T: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." : C: "Really? Is it that bad?" : T: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." : C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" : T: "Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]
Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton:
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Brent works for a computer software company.... This was the "gist" of a phone call that his co-worker received from a customer that had just purchased some software from their company...
REP: "How can I help you sir?
Cust: "I just purchased your software and it's ruined my computer. I can't even get my computer to come ON now."
REP: "Well sir, software does not usually do that to a computer. Let's see if something else has happened."
Cust: "Well I still think that it was your software. It was working fine earlier today.
REP: "Is your computer turned on?"
REP: "Is your computer plugged in?"
Cust: "Well, just a minute.... I need to get a flashlight to look... Our power went out a little bit ago and I won't be able to see the outlet without it..."
Cust: (Cust then realized what he said and hung up in embarrassment!!!!)
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
A lady from Sun Microsystems Inc panicked as her entire system shut down. After cursing the machine, and hitting it a couple times a fellow employee came by, and turned her monitor back on.
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
Another lady from Sun Microsystems was freaking out as her email messages were deleting themselves one by one. Hollering and screaming about her problem, a fellow employee came to her rescue by moving a bowl of food that was pressing up against her keyboard, and causing the deletion of every email.
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to --"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spacehip and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.' "
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
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